Kenya was stunned this morning by the news that a court has ruled a ninth presidential contender must enter the fray, and will feature in tomorrow’s second televised debate. The Sunday Nation caught up with Dr Charlatan Sungura to get to know him.
Q: Dr Charlatan, it is a pleasure to meet you.
A: Please, call me Charlo. The media are always my close friends.
Q: Why such a late entry into the contest?
A: Some dark forces had blocked me in the past, questioning my credentials and brandishing unfounded allegations designed to finish my people. Money had been poured. But God is great and ensured I have relatives who are judges.
Q: So, tell us about your academic credentials?
A: I have a PhD in Electoral Circuitry, from the Bush School of Government at Harvard.
Q: Er…do you mean the Kennedy School?
A: It is the same thing. A pig is a pig by any other name, as Orwell wrote in a letter to Shakespeare.
Q: On which party ticket are you running, and what is your manifesto?
A: The Kenya Revolutionary Artisans Party. We don’t believe in acronyms, so please address us by our full name. Our manifesto is a true magnum opus, 1,300 pages long. We are paperless, so please download it on www.charlatan.com
Q: How would you tackle the issue of tribalism?
A: Why tackle it? Tribes are good. No one is fathered by a void or born into a vacuum. My party will celebrate tribe. All tribes will be equal, led by my tribe. We will even export some tribes to earn foreign exchange.
Q: What are your priorities for Kenya?
A: Platinum health insurance for every person. Free education, up to doctorate level. WiFi in every homestead. A smartphone in every hand. Also, we have noticed there are too many inequalities in temperature. Wajir is steaming, Mount Kenya freezing. My government will equalize temperatures all over Kenya at 24 degrees.
Q: How will your government pay for all this?
A: Government does not pay for anything. Taxpayers will rejoice at my victory, and will happily pay more every month. Washington and Beijing will line up to fund my government.
Q: The latest opinion poll clocks you at 0.005%- can you win?
A: Those opinion polls are the work of mashetani. How can they claim a result, when none of my supporters has ever been interviewed? I provided the pollsters with supporters’ names, but they refused to meet them.
Q: Are you prepared for tomorrow’s debate?
A: My friend, I have been prepared since birth. From what I saw last time on TV, I have nothing to fear from my rivals. They represent the old guard. It is time they left the buffet and allowed others to sample the fare.
Q: Your final word for Kenyans?
A: Chagua Charlo. I am what you deserve.