As we all know, we live in a peculiar country. A very peculiar country. There are so many confusing questions that bedevil us every day, and precious few answers. So I have decided to occasionally become an “agony uncle” in this column, to tackle some of your more thorny conundrums. Here’s the latest instalment.
Q: The new government promised us so many things in the first 100 days of office. But I can’t see anything being delivered. Why is this?
Gull Ibo, Narok
You again? And you actually believe in election promises? Do you also believe in Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin and potions that scare djinns? Politicians (from all parties) are the least reliable of all persons on this planet. You should never, ever pay attention to their promises. You should only really trust columnists. Now that I have your attention, there is a tea farm in Garissa I’m selling. Let’s talk offline.
Q: I was shocked to see that books now have taxes imposed on them. Is nothing sacred?
Camus Kamuyu, Nairobi
Now wait. When was the last time you read a book? Kenyans don’t read, and nor, I wager, do you. You read the newspaper, sure, but that’s only to check who slapped whom and whether Arsenal are still winning. Why are you complaining about books, when you last read one in form four? In any case, where has book-reading taken us after fifty years? Books should be taxed just like any other vice. Book-readers are a snobbish, sneering lot who challenge every good thing the government does and keep offering unwanted advice. This tax will make them all pipe down, and discourage our children from emulating them. So stop buying books, and just follow government PR on Facebook and Twitter.
Q: I saw this satanic programme on NTV recently that suggested my fellow pastors and I might in fact be conmen. How do the authorities allow such trash to be aired? No wonder we need to crack down on the media.
Apostle Bling Ojing’, The Sacred Church of Venture Capitalists, Kibra
I, too, was shocked by that shameless assault on people of the cloth. We charlatans must stand together. As enlightened persons know only too well, God wants us to be rich. Some of us, anyway. Wealth is the highest calling, and what better way to get wealthy than to gather willing donations from the poor? Are we not better than those who steal through taxes coerced and charges imposed? Who asks the idiots – sorry, the faithful – to line up anyway? Don’t they come of their own free will? Do we promise them the anointed hankies will cure them or the seeds will sprout riches? No! Life is a gamble. The media are going too far. Shut them all down. Do I hear Amen?
Q: Last Sunday, I was shocked to see sunlight disappearing during the day, for at least 30 minutes from around 5.30 pm. Who stole it?
Solstice Ekai, Turkana
Well spotted. I have reported this to the authorities on your behalf, and they are taking it very, very seriously. Policemen all over the nation have been asked to stay vigilant and crack down on any further instances of sunlight theft. I understand a commission of inquiry has been formed to investigate further and report in six months time. They are already procuring Prados for the commissioners to visit your area and gather witness testimonies. Meanwhile, stay patriotic and avoid speculations on social media, as this just helps the forces of darkness.