"CEOs can't wait to read Sunny Bindra's articles every week."

More from Agony Uncle Sunny

Nov 10, 2013 Humour, Sunday Nation

As we all know, we live in a peculiar country. A very peculiar country. There are so many confusing questions that bedevil us every day, and precious few answers. So I have decided to occasionally become an “agony uncle” in this column, to tackle some of your more thorny conundrums. Here’s the latest instalment.

Q: The new government promised us so many things in the first 100 days of office. But I can’t see anything being delivered. Why is this?
Gull Ibo, Narok

Dear Gull
You again? And you actually believe in election promises? Do you also believe in Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin and potions that scare djinns? Politicians (from all parties) are the least reliable of all persons on this planet. You should never, ever pay attention to their promises. You should only really trust columnists. Now that I have your attention, there is a tea farm in Garissa I’m selling. Let’s talk offline.

Q: I was shocked to see that books now have taxes imposed on them. Is nothing sacred?
Camus Kamuyu, Nairobi

Dear Camus
Now wait. When was the last time you read a book? Kenyans don’t read, and nor, I wager, do you. You read the newspaper, sure, but that’s only to check who slapped whom and whether Arsenal are still winning. Why are you complaining about books, when you last read one in form four? In any case, where has book-reading taken us after fifty years? Books should be taxed just like any other vice. Book-readers are a snobbish, sneering lot who challenge every good thing the government does and keep offering unwanted advice. This tax will make them all pipe down, and discourage our children from emulating them. So stop buying books, and just follow government PR on Facebook and Twitter.

Q: I saw this satanic programme on NTV recently that suggested my fellow pastors and I might in fact be conmen. How do the authorities allow such trash to be aired? No wonder we need to crack down on the media.
Apostle Bling Ojing’, The Sacred Church of Venture Capitalists, Kibra

Dear Apostle
I, too, was shocked by that shameless assault on people of the cloth. We charlatans must stand together. As enlightened persons know only too well, God wants us to be rich. Some of us, anyway. Wealth is the highest calling, and what better way to get wealthy than to gather willing donations from the poor? Are we not better than those who steal through taxes coerced and charges imposed? Who asks the idiots – sorry, the faithful – to line up anyway? Don’t they come of their own free will? Do we promise them the anointed hankies will cure them or the seeds will sprout riches? No! Life is a gamble. The media are going too far. Shut them all down. Do I hear Amen?

Q: Last Sunday, I was shocked to see sunlight disappearing during the day, for at least 30 minutes from around 5.30 pm. Who stole it?
Solstice Ekai, Turkana

Dear Solstice
Well spotted. I have reported this to the authorities on your behalf, and they are taking it very, very seriously. Policemen all over the nation have been asked to stay vigilant and crack down on any further instances of sunlight theft. I understand a commission of inquiry has been formed to investigate further and report in six months time. They are already procuring Prados for the commissioners to visit your area and gather witness testimonies. Meanwhile, stay patriotic and avoid speculations on social media, as this just helps the forces of darkness.

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  • Richard Arao

    Agony Uncle Sunny is quite the alter-ego. Some of the stuff that happens in this country is so ridiculous we just have to laugh about it (…the alternative would of course be to weep).

    I wonder which Govt. (certainly not this one) will be the one to restore the integrity to ‘a commission of inquiry’ as a useful tool to answering pertinent questions.

    As for the theft of sunlight, probably a once in a lifetime occurrence; more pertinent would be the absence of stima which occurs at least three times a week in all Kenyan locales.

    Lastly, Apostle Bling Ojing’ gets my vote for President; his slogan could be “Magic hankies that will deliver Vision 2030…Amen!”

  • Naanjie

    Sunny, you’re too funny! Thank you for adding joy to my Sundays. We are a peculiar bunch indeed!

  • A different and irreverent kinda of Sunny! I like him….

  • Kimenyi Waruhiu

    Dear Agony Uncle Sunny

    I am a Kenyan banker and I consider myself to be a well deserved liberator of hard earned income and a twenty first century hero in today’s materialistic world. I was shocked to hear that some sections of society consider my ethos of allowing my customers to save at my expense and borrow at their peril to be lacking in integrity and ruinous of reputation. I’m confused – why would they think that doing business with me will cause such harm to their integrity?

    Ebenezer wa Fedha

    • Dear Eb:

      Ignore those wastrels. Banksters like you play a very important role in society: of taking money away from those who don’t know what to do with it, to those who do. You also are instrumental every 10 years or so in slowing the world down so that common folk can learn the timeless disciplines of thrift and austerity. So keep that rap going, bro.

  • John Kimani

    Hello Sunny,I am greatly inspired by your articles.Now do you finance consulting?.I greatly need finance like Kshs 50m for some business locally to avoid losing great opportunities.Banks are a no go zone because they want very strong cashflows and huge collateral which i do not have at the moment.Advice.

  • K Shah

    We must use humor to cover up the insanity this country is going through, otherwise we shall all lose it. On the other hand we need to start organizing protests so as to remind our leaders that they are here to serve us and not themselves. We musn’t even give them a chance to go on like this. One more tax imposed on any commodity and we should go bananas.